The Trafalgar - Kings Road

OK, so when I started this blog it was in my frustration of the amount of terrible toilets there are London pubs. What the blog seems to have done is made me equally as frustrated when I go into an immaculate cubicle leaving me with no content. Hmmm.

The Market Porter - Borough Market

Whilst wandering the lovely Borough Market between meetings the other day I was lead to drinking copious amounts of fresh orange juice until the obvious happens. I am somewhere that does not have a toilet facility so I find myself sneaking into a local boozer to use their amenities, cheeky I know! So on first glance, what with it being 11:20 and all, the freshly cleaned toilets that lead me in with that beautiful smell of bleach. After a sigh of relief that I had made a great toilet decision I turn round to sit down to be greeted by some rather charming graffiti... OK, I think the picture does all the talking really.

The Lukin - Fitzroy Square

Now what with me being such a fan of pubs as opposed to bars and clubs I can honestly say this is a good one. I've loved it from the very first time I stood outside and admired the hanging flower baskets around the black THE LUKIN sign. I had drunk in there a few times (it's an old lunchtime local) but when I decided to treat myself one Friday and brave the food menu the whole table was nothing but made up with the standard of the food. It is honestly one of the best pub lunches I have found in my trawl of many, many pubs and so recently on an evening of drinking in the pub I went to the toilet after too many ciders hoping for standards equally as high. Unfortunately I was greeted by some rather simple and untidy toilets halfway up a rickety old stair case which threatened to send my minimal weight plummeting through the steps. Aside from the suspiciously wet floor, the window being open revealing me to the kitchen staff and the wonky, loose toilet seat the one thing I can commend them on is the amount of toilet roll. 

Bar Soho

Just a short one this time because the toilets really weren't all that bad, thanks to the 'freshen up lady'. Other than the annoying thing of having to chose between a lock on the door or toilet roll the only negative thing can be the awful decor. I'm not quite sure what they were trying to do with the red and black painted walls on the maze like journey to the cubicles but I think I'll leave you to make your own decision on this one guys. It all looked so promising from the fun directions poster.

NB: The scribbles on the back of the toilet door are just for entertainment purposes only.

The Sun and 13 Cantons - Soho

Standing outside a pub at the end of a sunny(ish) day and pint in hand sounds pretty ideal for a Tuesday evening, so that's what I found myself doing. A group of us all nattering away about 'adland' and putting the worlds to rights but there's one topic of conversation that keeps arising. The smell of the drains. I mean it's not on the same scale as some other locations but all the same it did seem to strip the hairs of a lot of nostrils last night. 

Despite this, the shock of the smell in the ladies loos still hits me pretty hard and was somewhat unexpected to be on such a scale. I mean it stunk in there. And while pictures convey a scene of a relatively clean cubicle and only a few sheets of dropped loo roll to complain about, there's some things that pictures just can't show. The temptation to put a hazy green smoke over all the pics was there but whether it would have shown up on the puke green wall paint who knows.

All I can hope for is that some, just some of my beer money goes on sorting out them damn drains and not any more pointless hand soap.

Tiger Tiger, Piccadilly Circus

Well, after a session of all day drinking at a quiet family event I was lead into central for some life and to have a little boogie.

Tiger tiger being the place of choice I entered the toilets and on seeing the amount of cubicles in there and the 'freshen-up' lady I felt reassured that they couldn't be that bad.

How wrong was I? I had to ask  for toilet roll as the first four cubicles I went in had none. I then after having seen those ones began to get nervous that they were all going to be in the same state. My usual sense of logic kicked in, if I went to the cubicle furthest away the chances were that they would have been used less and therefore be in a more presentable state.

Nope. I was wrong again. I can only shudder at the photos and the memory of my experience and think that the amount of other people's urine was pretty well tied between what was on the seat and what was on the floor. Just a shame that the previous squatting girls were unable to hit the target.

I exit the loo with a somewhat shocked look on my face to be greeted by a worried looking boyfriend that had heard numerous girls coming out disgusted with the state of the toilets. Turns out if I had of been much longer he was about to bound in a take me to the spotless male loos.

Marquess of Anglesey - Covent Garden

Forgive me for the major tourist hotspot. You can't always chose where you go and this was one of those.

A well decorated cosy pub that at first made me feel welcome and at home. Different seating areas with tables, stools and sofa seats was a bonus and something some central pubs forget to think about. 

However, an hour in and the bad experiences all seem to come at once. Firstly a trip to the much dreaded toilet. And dreaded is unfortunately the right word in this case. You are lead on a long trip down steep stairs, no easy thing in heels - ladies beware! And then before I even enter the toilets I think the state of the door was warning enough. 

I was amazed at how a toilet fit into such a small space because I definitely didn't fit in there with that and a door that opened into the cubicle. I was also pretty disturbed by the scratched and graffitied walls. How much is a pot of Dulux nowadays anyway?

And then much to my shock there is the sink and some handwash in the cubicle with you stopping the door opening enough for the skinniest of ladies. At least it's somewhere to rest your chin while you are hovering over an unclean toilet with a seat that is clinging on for dear life!

On return to my table someone came over to the table with the bill claiming that I had to leave if I wasn't eating food - charmed I'm sure! But also, I know I should have expected this considering the location but £3.50 for a pint of lemonade! Well, won't be affording another one of them any time soon, I may as well have had a pint at £4 something! Lesson learned!

The Crown and Scepter, Fitzrovia

So its a Thursday evening. A quite drink with a friend is on the cards and for some reason I suggest heading to a pub that manages to be fit to bursting even on a Monday night. Quite why I am unsure because the service leaves a lot to be desired, but boasting a great variety of beers, ales and spirits I guess everyone manages to find their tipple there.

I think the sun brings people there in the day, being one of the only 'sun-trap' pubs in the area but I do believe with an extra two people this bar could be much better for my stress levels.

So once again I make my way to the toilets, which are down a set of stairs and before I have even got in there I find myself holding my breath from a somewhat unwelcoming smell. I try to hold this throughout my trip only to fail before I have even locked the door behind me. 

The toilets in general are poorly lit, which is a shame because I could stand there all day touching up my make-up should I be able to even see my own reflection. One thing that is standing out bright and clear is the note apologising for the smell......hmmmm charming. Not entirely sure that is a good use of your time really.

The Nellie Dean, Soho

So from the outside a well decorated (flower baskets win me over every time) pub that has lots of people stood outside and inside enjoys a summer evenings drink.

So far so good. I am actually there for an organised event and have the upstairs room booked out. Service is great, staff are polite and there is a positive buzzy atmosphere.

So after a few bevvies I need to visit the ladies. Only to be horrified. Toilet paper is everywhere, the flush is clearly temperamental because I find myself going on some one elses you know what. But also I feel like I am paddling in their doing too as the floor is drenched The lack of hook leaves my new bag is on the floor, sob sob.

I don't know who I feel more sorry for if I'm honest. It does however remind me exactly why I should have done a detox January!

Something that probably should be taken out of this is that the next day the last thing I am thinking about is those toilets!